While I finish this Wale concert review...ummm...EXPERIENCE, please take a minute to educate yourself on the gift and the curse that is Dr. Bronner's Peppermint soap.
Chile!
After learning the VERY hard way with Trader Joe's Tea Tree Tingle Body Wash, SMH, I vow to never use that stuff again.
It's SO painful when it hits those sensitive areas.
I love my pussior. I could never disrespect it like that.
SIIIIIIGHHHHH
Wait.
I'm lying.
I have.
With ALL the fuckboys. SMH
Anyway, enjoy this nugget of excellence from Very Smart Brothers.
As you all may know, it's been a LONG time since I've been on the dating scene.
I'm full of cobwebs and shit. Like, literally. SIGH
January 2015.
I get hit with a brick. Left of knot on my heart like nobody's business. How's THAT for a Happy New Year!
So I thought.
LOL (cuz that's all I can really do right about now)
I don't embarrass easily, so this story is no sweat off my back. Maybe some youngin OR old bitty like myself, will learn from my plight. That IS what life is about, right?
OK. One night, in January, I had a dream. (spare me, OK. Just read) I had a dream about a man that I follow on IG. (Fuck y'all...LMAO! It gets better. I promise)
Anyway, I dreamed about him. It was amazing. SO amazing, I thought The Sleep Gods were playing with me. It was too real.
I thought about it for a week or so. (All while 'liking' every and all pics from this man's timeline)
After a week, I reached out to him. Slid ALL up and THROUGH his DM's.
IDC IDC IDCCCCCCCC!
It worked.
He responded. Quickly.
We chit chat for a little while. Basic ass questions. I just really wanted to know where he came from and who he was linked to. Nothing. No one. NO shared 'friends' or associates. He LITERALLY is the finest ass ghost I've ever seen in my life. Literally.
Anyway, we exchange numbers.
We text.
A lot. (rolls eyes) That probably shoulda been my FIRST sign.
But.
I ignore it. OF FUCKING COURSE!
He's so gatdamn fine, I really didn't care.
MOST times.
So, I ask him out. *shrug* Why not? That IS what people do when they want to get to know someone, right? We go to a concert. We both have a special place in our hearts for it.
Yeah.
He was late.
Hella fucking late.
I was pretty annoyed by it. ESPECIALLY since I was drowning in texts from him that he is 'on the way', 'traffic blah blah blah', 'city lights' etc etc etc *rolls eyes* TUH!
He shows up.
My pussy dropped to the floor. I LITERALLY forgot what I was upset about.
YET, still TRIED to give attitude aplenty. *giggles* Cuz that's what bitches with an attitude do.
SIGH Fail.com
He's SO gatdamn fine and charming. Shit.
We had a good time. Grabbed something to eat after. It was cute. HE was real cute.
Young.
I SWEAR for God that I was planning my entire rest of life after that one 'date'. I couldn't WAIT to see him again. (my stomach(pussy) is starting to hurt(jump) as I type this. ALL I can do is shake my fucking head. Shit.)
I don't see him again for a few weeks.
During this time, my dreams. Night and Day dreams, are filled with him. It was/is insane.
Why?
Because he is/was perfection.
Hes an amazing father. Talented. Intelligent. A fool. Creative. Ambitious. FINE.AS.ALL.THE.FUCKS. A gentleman (that one is still up for debate). Overall, a good man. Also up for debate.
Just now, as I typed that last thought, I think about catching the Downtown Silver Spring Shuttle. OR attempting to. I could wait for it for almost 10 mins. NOTHING. As SOON as my ass walks away, it comes. *insert Homer Simpson 'D'oh! here*
This is how my love/dating/sex life has been. It's crazy. It's funny AND crazy.
Alright. Enough bullshit. YES. I DID give him the cookies. I am NOT ashamed.
I'm grown. I do what I want.
After an almost 2 year drought, I knew I wanted him to water the lawn.
And it was amazing.
Chile! AFUCKINGMAZING.
After THAT session, I planned a wedding in my head.
I even booked the lady to make the potato salad at the reception. TUH! Fuck that! You would too. *sucks teeth*
I think I'm jumping around. I'm trying to get to the point of ALL of this before y'all fall asleep on a heaux.
As great of a person that I perceived him to be, he is not perfect.
I'm aware.
Very.
I'm no fool.
I just think that, like with anything, communicating things is very important.
Yes. I have issues. Tons. LLS TONS.
But, I voice how I feel about things. Always. And I think I was pretty clear, from the beginning that I'm sweating his balls. I'd like to swing from said balls, often and I don't have to be 'The One' to do so.
I think that he understood that to mean that I want to be his woman. Full time.
Sure.
That would be nice. No...it would be awesome! (I DID plan a Spring wedding in my head, right?)
Yeah.
But I ALSO understand that I don't know this man or his vices.
He could be a whore, abusive, insecure, an identity thief (LLS I have another story about that to share). He could be LOTS of things that can and will leave a bad taste in my mouth. Pause.
*cough*hetastedlikemolasses*cough*
Overall, he got a taste of what kind of woman he could have and deserve in his life (even if it ISN'T me). I'm honest with my feelings and opinions. I'm supportive. I'm spontaneous.
Look, I can go on and on about how dope I am.
I'm a good bitch to have around.
WHEN I'm good. SMH Cuz my BAD is...whew! I'm mean as fuck. Petty as all the fucks. And I don't apologize for it.
Anyway, tax time comes. I do his taxes.
For free.
That's my money maker.
He was going through some things so I hooked him up. Cuz that's just the kind of bitch I am.
I got a thank you. Cool.
But I didn't see him. Not even to pick up his returns. SMH Hes a weirdo. I'm sure of it.
I asked for a phone referral cuz one I had was broken.
Took 2 days and he was there for that money exchange.
Ha!
Niggas.
I'm jih fucked up about this now. I'm feeling like I need to fill a spray bottle with acetone.
Bust some windows or something. You know? Cuz shit like that ALWAYS garners a reaction. ESPECIALLY because it has to do with money.
I'm chillin tho.
All the way.
Why?
Cuz I'm too old to be fucking around like I did in my 20's. My kid wont understand why mommy isn't around and sends me letters in the 'army'.
The fuck terrible, yo.
So, last week. 4/28 to be exact. I set it in my mind and spirit that I won't begin a new month trying to figure this man out. I mailed him his returns. Sent him a text that it was on his way.
I didn't hear a word.
On the 30th I requested a shirt that he made so I can buy it. (I'm STILL gonna support dope shit even if you ARE a fucked up person)
He confirmed that he had my size. LOL (Y'all see where I'm going with this?)
But wait...NO shirt. No text/email/pigeon. *shrug*
Sounds like I'll be writing a scathing Yelp review for his 'brand'.
LLS
Cuz that's what I do. I write. A LOT.
Again, niggas.
Who HURT you, bruh??
ANYWAYYYYY, *clears throat* WHO'S ON THEY HEAUX SHIT?? HAJA IS ON HER HEAUX SHIT!
The weather has FINALLY broke and a BITCH is hot in these streets.
REAL HOT! Spring really is my season.
So, who wants to buy some cookies? *looks around room*
Ha!
Moral of this story is:
Always be honest.
You should give others the respect you would want.
Make things clear in the beginning, EVEN if you are not sure of its clarity. This way, a decision can be made mutually.
Its only right. I mean...we ARE adults, right?
SIGH
Welp! Let me get my life. It's Cinco de Mayo and there's a margarita out there with my name on it!
Oh!
Here is an awesome ass visual to one of my faves. Action Bronson. This is 'Baby Blue'
LMAOOOOO
Yes. Chance The Rappers verse is EXACTLY how I feel about this entire situation.
I love R. Kelly.
Like...LOVE.
Since I was 14 years old. (He was actually my first concert.)
I just think he is super creative and his word play is everything.
So, he will be in town this month.
I'm not going, but still.
Everyday I listen to his Spotify station and EVERYDAY this song comes on. And EVERYDAY I find myself poppin my pancake ass with the truest of conviction.
I love him.
I love him mucho.
BUT THAT TRAP DICK MADE YOU SAY FUCK A WHITE HOUSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!
Hahahahaaaaaa
Sheeeeit! I'm living proof.
Thank you Ratchetta, gunslinging, dope-toting, running from the law lifestyle, never fucking legal ex-husband/baby daddy! Cuz you hipped my green ass to more life lessons than a lil bit!
But thank you MOST for my amazing lil blessing. Our daughter is the PERFECT combination of two very different lives.
