As you all may know, it's been a LONG time since I've been on the dating scene.
I'm full of cobwebs and shit. Like, literally. SIGH
January 2015.
I get hit with a brick. Left of knot on my heart like nobody's business. How's THAT for a Happy New Year!
So I thought.
LOL (cuz that's all I can really do right about now)
I don't embarrass easily, so this story is no sweat off my back. Maybe some youngin OR old bitty like myself, will learn from my plight. That IS what life is about, right?
OK. One night, in January, I had a dream. (spare me, OK. Just read) I had a dream about a man that I follow on IG. (Fuck y'all...LMAO! It gets better. I promise)
Anyway, I dreamed about him. It was amazing. SO amazing, I thought The Sleep Gods were playing with me. It was too real.
I thought about it for a week or so. (All while 'liking' every and all pics from this man's timeline)
After a week, I reached out to him. Slid ALL up and THROUGH his DM's.
IDC IDC IDCCCCCCCC!
It worked.
He responded. Quickly.
We chit chat for a little while. Basic ass questions. I just really wanted to know where he came from and who he was linked to. Nothing. No one. NO shared 'friends' or associates. He LITERALLY is the finest ass ghost I've ever seen in my life. Literally.
Anyway, we exchange numbers.
We text.
A lot. (rolls eyes) That probably shoulda been my FIRST sign.
But.
I ignore it. OF FUCKING COURSE!
He's so gatdamn fine, I really didn't care.
MOST times.
So, I ask him out. *shrug* Why not? That IS what people do when they want to get to know someone, right? We go to a concert. We both have a special place in our hearts for it.
Yeah.
He was late.
Hella fucking late.
I was pretty annoyed by it. ESPECIALLY since I was drowning in texts from him that he is 'on the way', 'traffic blah blah blah', 'city lights' etc etc etc *rolls eyes* TUH!
He shows up.
My pussy dropped to the floor. I LITERALLY forgot what I was upset about.
YET, still TRIED to give attitude aplenty. *giggles* Cuz that's what bitches with an attitude do.
SIGH Fail.com
He's SO gatdamn fine and charming. Shit.
We had a good time. Grabbed something to eat after. It was cute. HE was real cute.
Young.
I SWEAR for God that I was planning my entire rest of life after that one 'date'. I couldn't WAIT to see him again. (my stomach(pussy) is starting to hurt(jump) as I type this. ALL I can do is shake my fucking head. Shit.)
I don't see him again for a few weeks.
During this time, my dreams. Night and Day dreams, are filled with him. It was/is insane.
Why?
Because he is/was perfection.
Hes an amazing father. Talented. Intelligent. A fool. Creative. Ambitious. FINE.AS.ALL.THE.FUCKS. A gentleman (that one is still up for debate). Overall, a good man. Also up for debate.
Just now, as I typed that last thought, I think about catching the Downtown Silver Spring Shuttle. OR attempting to. I could wait for it for almost 10 mins. NOTHING. As SOON as my ass walks away, it comes. *insert Homer Simpson 'D'oh! here*
This is how my love/dating/sex life has been. It's crazy. It's funny AND crazy.
Alright. Enough bullshit. YES. I DID give him the cookies. I am NOT ashamed.
I'm grown. I do what I want.
After an almost 2 year drought, I knew I wanted him to water the lawn.
And it was amazing.
Chile! AFUCKINGMAZING.
After THAT session, I planned a wedding in my head.
I even booked the lady to make the potato salad at the reception. TUH! Fuck that! You would too. *sucks teeth*
I think I'm jumping around. I'm trying to get to the point of ALL of this before y'all fall asleep on a heaux.
As great of a person that I perceived him to be, he is not perfect.
I'm aware.
Very.
I'm no fool.
I just think that, like with anything, communicating things is very important.
Yes. I have issues. Tons. LLS TONS.
But, I voice how I feel about things. Always. And I think I was pretty clear, from the beginning that I'm sweating his balls. I'd like to swing from said balls, often and I don't have to be 'The One' to do so.
I think that he understood that to mean that I want to be his woman. Full time.
Sure.
That would be nice. No...it would be awesome! (I DID plan a Spring wedding in my head, right?)
Yeah.
But I ALSO understand that I don't know this man or his vices.
He could be a whore, abusive, insecure, an identity thief (LLS I have another story about that to share). He could be LOTS of things that can and will leave a bad taste in my mouth. Pause.
*cough*hetastedlikemolasses*cough*
Overall, he got a taste of what kind of woman he could have and deserve in his life (even if it ISN'T me). I'm honest with my feelings and opinions. I'm supportive. I'm spontaneous.
Look, I can go on and on about how dope I am.
I'm a good bitch to have around.
WHEN I'm good. SMH Cuz my BAD is...whew! I'm mean as fuck. Petty as all the fucks. And I don't apologize for it.
Anyway, tax time comes. I do his taxes.
For free.
That's my money maker.
He was going through some things so I hooked him up. Cuz that's just the kind of bitch I am.
I got a thank you. Cool.
But I didn't see him. Not even to pick up his returns. SMH Hes a weirdo. I'm sure of it.
I asked for a phone referral cuz one I had was broken.
Took 2 days and he was there for that money exchange.
Ha!
Niggas.
I'm jih fucked up about this now. I'm feeling like I need to fill a spray bottle with acetone.
Bust some windows or something. You know? Cuz shit like that ALWAYS garners a reaction. ESPECIALLY because it has to do with money.
I'm chillin tho.
All the way.
Why?
Cuz I'm too old to be fucking around like I did in my 20's. My kid wont understand why mommy isn't around and sends me letters in the 'army'.
The fuck terrible, yo.
So, last week. 4/28 to be exact. I set it in my mind and spirit that I won't begin a new month trying to figure this man out. I mailed him his returns. Sent him a text that it was on his way.
I didn't hear a word.
On the 30th I requested a shirt that he made so I can buy it. (I'm STILL gonna support dope shit even if you ARE a fucked up person)
He confirmed that he had my size. LOL (Y'all see where I'm going with this?)
But wait...NO shirt. No text/email/pigeon. *shrug*
Sounds like I'll be writing a scathing Yelp review for his 'brand'.
LLS
Cuz that's what I do. I write. A LOT.
Again, niggas.
Who HURT you, bruh??
ANYWAYYYYY, *clears throat* WHO'S ON THEY HEAUX SHIT?? HAJA IS ON HER HEAUX SHIT!
The weather has FINALLY broke and a BITCH is hot in these streets.
REAL HOT! Spring really is my season.
So, who wants to buy some cookies? *looks around room*
Ha!
Moral of this story is:
Always be honest.
You should give others the respect you would want.
Make things clear in the beginning, EVEN if you are not sure of its clarity. This way, a decision can be made mutually.
Its only right. I mean...we ARE adults, right?
SIGH
Welp! Let me get my life. It's Cinco de Mayo and there's a margarita out there with my name on it!
Oh!
Here is an awesome ass visual to one of my faves. Action Bronson. This is 'Baby Blue'
LMAOOOOO
Yes. Chance The Rappers verse is EXACTLY how I feel about this entire situation.
I love R. Kelly.
Like...LOVE.
Since I was 14 years old. (He was actually my first concert.)
I just think he is super creative and his word play is everything.
So, he will be in town this month.
I'm not going, but still.
Everyday I listen to his Spotify station and EVERYDAY this song comes on. And EVERYDAY I find myself poppin my pancake ass with the truest of conviction.
I love him.
I love him mucho.
BUT THAT TRAP DICK MADE YOU SAY FUCK A WHITE HOUSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!
Hahahahaaaaaa
Sheeeeit! I'm living proof.
Thank you Ratchetta, gunslinging, dope-toting, running from the law lifestyle, never fucking legal ex-husband/baby daddy! Cuz you hipped my green ass to more life lessons than a lil bit!
But thank you MOST for my amazing lil blessing. Our daughter is the PERFECT combination of two very different lives.
2 weeks ago, I was invited to an office baby shower.
Awesome!
I love babies. They are an amazing blessing. One that I hope to be able to partake in again. (SMFH I know! I rebuked them in the name of all the Trap Gods. But my ovaries have been on some other shit lately. Chile. That will be another post. I promise *insert Girl Scout 3-finger Promise gesture here*
ANYWAY, I was invited. I gave my donation to one of the organizers. No problem. The shower is May 1.
As of today, April 28...I choose to rescind my donation.
Why?
Because the mama to be is a rude ass bitch.
TUH!
I'm sorry. But you and your baby cannot flourish off my hard earned and BLESSED coins. It can't and won't happen.
I'm sure to others, that is probably mean. *shrug* I don't care. I CAN'T care. I can use that $10 for MY kid. Add another $10 and that's 100 tokens at Chuck E Cheese.
Do you KNOW how much Sani can ball?
FUCK. OUTTA. HERE!
So, yeah. I will no longer go against the little voices of justice that speak to me in my head. They are valuable to me and I must acknowledge and act upon the wise words that they speak.
A couple, whom I have known since elementary school, who I didn't know was a couple, posted a pic of themselves on the FB streets. Basically 'coming out'.
Great.
No, it's really great. Cuz I love love. I do.
Anyway, I comment, 'Wait. Ermahgawd. Well, y'all cute.'
Boom. A compliment.
I was surprised to see them together. Yes. I exclaimed. OMG! (But since I'm extra, I had to express it phonetically.) And they really were cute. For reals.
My comment gets a couple 'likes'. Someone said it was clever or something to the like. Whatever. It was positive. It was supportive of their new 'union'.
All of that.
2-3 hours later.
She comments, 'What's that BS about?' 😳😳😳
I clutch my pearls and take a breath.
After my second exhale, a message pops up in the inbox. 'What does that mean Haja? He says Ur Jonin on us.' Or some shit like that. I'm ready to go full keyboard courtroom defense attorney on her.
I say, 'it was a compliment. If Ur offended by it, I'll delete. Sorry.'
Boom.
I delete the comment.
I then 'unfriend her'. We were never friends in real life anyway. I know her sister. So basically, 'Bye, bitch. Get the fuck over it. It wasn't nothing offensive.'
She replies, 'No issue. I just didn't know what it meant. My boo said ur a sweetheart. We are African sisters. No problem.'
Of COURSE I rolled my eyes. Wtf? What does Africa have to do with your insecurities?
People really aren't smart.
Yes. He had to go too. I've known her 'boo' for 30 years. (I'm 35. We met in pre-k.)
Anygoddamnway...delete. How sad of him to think that of me. I was in my feelings for about 6 seconds. Then I remembered who the fuck I was. Chile. As if!
Moral of the story, to me, they have issues. Not me. Cuz anyone that follows me on any of these social media lines, KNOWS that my head ain't wrapped too tight and humor makes everything better. BUT I was not laughing or making fun of them.
I am NOW.
AND I'm judging the fuck out of them. Tag team relationship to see who can clapback fastest but their guns are stuck on the short bus.
Terrible. That has never happened to me before. (Oh. Well there was the time I got called a 'Grammar Nazi'. Ha! I tweeted about that. So, that moment is over.)
And it's true testimony to how serious people take this shit.
If YOU put it out there, YOU have left room for others to judge.
SMH
What a damn mess.
People, get a fucking grip and confident over the shit you post on these innanet streets.
Da fuck?!
Now, here comes the 'fun' part! That awkward moment when I see him, I always see him. My next Dunkin Donuts visit is NOT gonna be a pleasant one. Shit!
